Post Partum Depression

So i'm going through some shit and i'm here to tell you, PPD is a real thing and it can happen to anyone. Never in my life have I experienced anything like this. I've always been happy go lucky, carefree and just all around outspoken. Ever since I had Wimberley I feel like a shell of my former self. Don't get me wrong, motherhood is amazing and my kid is the light of my life. I live for her toothless little grin. She's growing more and more every day and I just can't believe how sweet and smart she is. I love her so much. Which is why I was really confused at first about this whole PPD thing. After having a baby, you meet with the doctor 2 and 4 weeks post partum, then they're like okay see yah next year! I asked her about the baby blues vs PPD and I was left thinking, hmm okay maybe I have a smidge of the baby blues. Its all good, and I was fine for awhile. 

First off, you need to understand that I have an issue with my gigantic boobs. Okay, they are freaking huge. And I know 'self love' and all that but I have wanted a breast reduction since I was 15. When I got pregnant I was like omfg they are insanely huge now. I had no idea that after having a baby your milk comes in and your boobs like quadruple in size. So now not only am I all puffy and squishy from having a baby but I can only fit like 10% of my clothes over my boobs and the ones that do fit end up looking extremely short. First world problems I know but it has made me extremely unhappy. I tried to go for a run the other day and I was like exploding out of 3 sports bras, not only that but I felt like I was suffocating because my chest was compressed so much. 

Not to mention breastfeeding. You are just like tits out 24/7 so yah, it's been a struggle for me. So the discomfort of having such large breasts made me want to stop breastfeeding. Not only do I feel like my back is going to give out after holding her for 10 minutes but I have been an emotional wreck. It sounds lame but this shit is seriously not cool. I am miserable. 

My best friend told me that when she stopped breastfeeding she felt like she got a piece of herself back. But I feel like so many women would give anything to breastfeed. I started taking supplements and my production doubled so that was a stress relief. Here I am with the ability to breastfeed, a baby who takes the nipple and bottle seamlessly, great milk production and i'm considering stopping breastfeeding??? How selfish is that.

I literally go back and forth in my head every single hour -- maybe its okay to stop, no no I can't I love breastfeeding her, i'm so miserable and depressed and she needs so much from me I have to stop, she loves it so much and look how sweet she is I can't stop, I just wish I could get a breast reduction and move on with my life I have to stop breastfeeding, no way I cant stop I just cant I love spending this quality time with her and its so good for her. Over and over all mf day.

I'm really annoyed by the whole thing. The doctor said that when you have PPD you aren't interested in your baby and don't care if they cry. I don't feel that way. She isn't a burden in fact she's the only thing that keeps me going. So i'm just confused. 

Here's how I feel. 50% of the day its all good in the hood. I feel totally normal and then out of nowhere I just feel like all the life has been drained from me. Like I want to cry for no reason at all. It feels like there's these big wells of tears behind my eyes just waiting to burst but they don't. I'm exhausted and just all around sad. Literally for no reason. Its so stupid and intense. Then throw in a crying baby and I'm just hanging on by a thread over here. I've tried all my normal go to's for when I need a swift kick in the ass. Taking a shower, hugging my hubby, drinking some wine, doing yoga, fresh air, smoking the ganj and nothing has worked. Weed helps a little bit but its not something I want to do while nursing. So I just find myself avoiding life. I literally took a shower today, put on pjs and just laid in bed with my most loyal companion Koda (hes a morkie). I knew Josh and Wimberley were in the other room and I missed them but I just couldn't bring myself to go in there and face reality. Wtf right? I have a great life. Amazing husband, wonderful healthy baby, we live on the beautiful Oregon coast and i'm collapsed in the covers crying. That's when I decided to write this post.


So, as it turns out I have a thyroid issue. A hypo thyroid to be exact, which basically means that my body isn't making enough of the thyroid hormone which causes you to feel fatigued, nauseous, depressed, tired, have headaches, difficulty losing weight and hair loss. I just thought I was experiencing these things because I had a baby. Guess not. 

So last week I very reluctantly got on medication for this. We got all packed up to go on a walk and we got to the trail and I was just miserable. I was freezing and sad and just wanted to go sit in a corner somewhere. We walked to the car and I just sat there and cried. Then we decided to finally pick up my prescription from the pharmacy. 

Ultimately, I don't know if i'm feeling this way because of PPD, my giant boobs or because my thyroid is out of whack. I just know i'm depressed and its becoming more and more apparent. So in an effort to regain some of myself back i've decided to stop breastfeeding after 4 months and to take this thyroid medication. Blah! What is wrong with me? If you are experiencing PPD please drop me a comment! You are not alone.


Update

So I have been on thyroid medication for about 5 weeks now and I feel 100 times better. I'm not sad or overly emotional, fatigued or unhappy in any way. Its kind of amazing. After having blood work done I realized that my body was producing almost no thyroid hormone whatsoever. Its no wonder I was such a mess. That being said, I feel like now that I have experienced depression a doorway has been opened. So when I am feeling down for whatever reason its proved to be some what of a challenge to not let a bad moment turn into a bad day. Its like my body recognizes that i'm upset and its immediate response is to drop into depression. Its really strange and don't get me wrong, things are great now but there are some moments where I recognize some lingering feelings of depression. Luckily, today those moments actually act as a reminder of how much better I feel in comparison to the puddle of exhaustion and confusion I once was. Apparently thyroid issues are super common for women in their mid twenties so if you are a fucking mess consider asking your doctor about the possibility of a hypo thyroid.